KRISTEN STEWART VS EVERYONE

In the world of retro-white-logo-tee-based couple dressing, Shia LaBeouf – owner of a seemingly endless supply of quirky printed souvenir tops – bows to no man. But what about to a woman? Shia’s 'The Sea Chest Oyster Bay' number is a fine example of the genre, expertly styled – as per – with none-more-normcore joggers and Nike Cortez, and coordinated nicely with Mia Goth’s more subtle ‘Yosemite Campground’ chest print. 

Kristen and former girlfriend Alicia Cargile’s double tee action ('1984 Major League Baseball All-Star Game' memento and a Supreme top) may lack the pure left-field quality of Shia LaGoth’s, but their overall perfectly imperfect matchiness (subtly different shades of grey skinny jeans, beanie vs baseball cap, black Cons vs black Vans) takes this one for the girls.

Winner: Kristen Stewart

This side of Johnny Depp in Cry-Baby, no one is more associated with leather-jacket-and-a-quiff rocker cool than Arctic Monkeys frontman Alex Turner – but that didn’t stop Kristen making a tilt at his tonsorial title in January this year.

Her Sundance festival pompadour earns points for ambition (quiffs and snowstorms aren’t the best bedfellows) but her brief Brylcreem flirtation can’t really match Alex’s commitment to the cause. 

Winner: Alex Turner

There are few menswear moves more simple and satisfying than throwing a black biker jacket over a black hoodie and grey T-shirt and calling it cool-guy spring win. Aaron Paul’s is a classic take –finished with washed-black skinny jeans and black boots for a bulletproof off-duty look. 

But see how Kristen elevates the vibe ever so slightly with straight-leg work-pants, making it both a touch smarter and good deal more warm(ish)-weather ready? And, of course, she adds sunglasses to this most shades-appropriate of outfits. Aaron, what were you thinking?

Winner: Kristen Stewart

Lest you thought Stewart a one-trick stylish skate pony, here she is adapting her androgynous approach to a smarter occasion and absolutely smashing it. A slick side-parted hairdo and well-cut suit in a punchy (but not overly showy) shade of burgundy could be immediately stolen for your next wedding or Bar Mitzvah – but what’s underneath poses more of a problem. 

While men may have the upper hand, naked upper torso-wise, at the local swimming baths and on Instagram, the balance of power shifts when it comes to a formal do. Women can get away with a degree of flesh exposure that just wouldn’t fly for a guy. Wiz Khalifa is with K-Stew in spirit, baring a decent amount of his tatted-up chest, but he’s wisely included a white button-up shirt as well to keep his deconstructed smartwear dress-code appropriate. 

Winner: Wiz Khalifa

Of all the lessons that dudes can learn from girls who dress like dudes, this is perhaps the most meaningful. A quality, oversized black sweatshirt, straight-leg ‘boyfriend jeans' (or, in this case, just ‘jeans’), and a pair of classic minimalist sneakers are an absolute can’t-miss combo when you want to look like you aren’t trying, but you actually are.

Kanye West knows this, and so does his brother in garms Scott Disick, rocking a Supreme x Misfits tee and Reebok Workouts all the way to low-key Sunday style nirvana. But somehow Kristen’s knee rips, sports socks and general air of artful dishevelment elevate her even higher on the slouchy scale.

Winner: Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart wasn’t the first famously well-coiffed celeb to get onboard with the current blonde buzzcut trend – Frank Ocean, Zayn Malik, Justin Bieber and Kanye West all hit the bleach bottle first. But what the actor lacked in pioneering spirit, she made up for aesthetic completism. Among the early outings for her freshly shorn and brightened bonce was this glorious deconstruction of 80s skinhead style, complete with an MA-1 jacket, striped trousers and cherry-red Derbies.

J-Biebs’ blonde ambition has been more muted, accompanied instead by a shift into Scandi minimalism, his new Barnet adding a Nordic freshness to simple, tonal basics. Strong, but not quite the head-turner of K-Stew’s 'do.

Winner: Kristen Stewart

We couldn’t finish without pitting these two together. Once upon time, Twilight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were as inseparable as Reebok Classics and trackie bottoms tucked in socks in the public mind. But though they've gone their separate ways personally and professionally, their sartorial paths still cross occasionally.

R-Patz’ signature style move is a scruffy-cool, skater-minimal pairing of a beanie, bomber and cuffed straight chinos. K-Stew’s version swaps in ripped skinny jeans for a rocker touch, but the essential vibe, not to mention the commitment to retro adidas kicks and a pop of green, remains the same. Bella and Edward (4 outfit inspiration) 4 eva.

Winner: Tie! But Kristen takes the match 4-and-a-half to 2-and-a-half.